Forgiven

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“My dreams of a future together with my college sweetheart were suddenly shattered when the pregnancy test came back positive. The shame and embarrassment was more than I could bear. How could I break my grandmother’s heart? How could I face the disappointed and critical expressions of those in my church? And to make matters worse I had recently had a series of x-rays on my lower back which could cause harm to my unborn child. I asked my doctors for advice and they all gave me the same…schedule an abortion.”

Panic kills. When you panic, your mind is not thinking straight and you are more likely to make a foolish decision that can kill you or someone else. In hospital burn units it’s not unusual to admit a patient who had panicked and instead of running away from the fire, had actually run towards it. When Dianne Wagner found out she was pregnant, six months before her wedding day, she panicked, ran towards the fire, and someone was killed. She had her baby aborted.

Life had become a blur for her. Afraid and confused, she consented to have the abortion without anesthesia. The pain was so severe she lost consciousness. When she came to and it was all over, she experienced a sense of relief but it was very deceptive and short-lived.

The abortion was supposed to solve the problem, but instead, it birthed a larger-than-life crisis. The reality of what she had done was harrowing and it just about destroyed her. She had the best friends a girl could ask for at the time but none of them discouraged her from having the abortion. If they had known the impact this decision would have on her for so many years to come, they would’ve spoken up. They just didn’t know.

Dianne was constantly haunted by what she had done and she began to hate herself for it. Before long, the self-hatred turned to self-punishment. One night she slipped out of bed, took a pair of scissors and cut off all her hair. She wanted there to be nothing lovely about herself. Other times she would go into the bathroom, sit down and run a razor up the inside of her arms. It was as if she needed to feel the physical pain to give herself the sense that she was still alive.  There was so much pain on the inside but on the outside, she was numb. “I felt dead. You still exist though, so you perform.” Just as the baby had been taken mercilessly from the security of her womb, Dianne’s identity was being stripped mercilessly from her soul.

Shame destroys, and Dianne was slowly being destroyed. It dug a hole, a big, painful, ugly, empty hole that she would stuff just to deal with the pain. “I would stuff food down until I could not swallow anymore and then there would come this enormous upheaval. I was getting it all out and, strange as it may seem, I always felt better for a while, and promised myself I would not have to do that again. I was done.” Of course, when the stress and pressure compelled her to do it again, it only confirmed the failure that she felt she was, and the humiliation continued to pile up.

Dianne’s mind and body desperately longed for a redeeming purge from all the pain. Her sister lovingly urged her to meet an acquaintance, a Christian woman with a very special ministry. She did. This lady seemed to pinpoint the very things that Dianne was struggling with. That evening, Dianne was able to confess her sin of abortion to God and receive his forgiveness. “I was so beaten down, I remember having to recite the words she would give me during prayer. This experience renewed my strength to fight for my life and my marriage. I finally had courage. I knew the Lord had not given up on me.”

It was only through the help and encouragement of Christian friends that Dianne was finally able to experience full forgiveness, and the sweet peace of redemption and restoration. Through a better understanding of her own intrinsic value and the love and commitment of Jesus Christ, Dianne gained the courage to face the pain and loss of her abortions. She now works with her friend, Antionette Duck, in the ministry, Mafgia, educating and equipping others on the fundamental value of all life, the deception of abortion, and God’s healing power for those who have chosen abortion in their past.

Have you ever felt like you needed a purification that would bring about spiritual renewal and release from sin and shame? A redeeming purification that comes from the love and forgiveness of a Savior who came to save and heal you?

Friend, perhaps your story is different, but like Dianne you are carrying a load of guilt and shame, and you fear that you will never be free from it. Do not despair. In John 8:36, the Bible tells us, “if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” You don’t need to carry that burden any longer. The Bible promises that you, too, can be free. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9. If you will let Him, Jesus promises to forgive and to free you from the guilt and shame of the past. God loves you. And no matter what lies in your past, He will never stop loving you. He is longing to forgive you, to heal you, and to restore you. Will you give Him the chance to work this miracle in your life today?